i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
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Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.