There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
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Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Traveler’s camo
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics