sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
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We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Bill is short for Billiam
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄