My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream