“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
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If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
😬
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand