Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

Best mom ever 😂

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils