Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]