i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
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How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I want what they have
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
They’re not wrong
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.