You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
You Might Also Like
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
At least he brought enough for everyone
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Who chose this font
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))