Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
What a kind woman! 😂😂
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
That’s what I call a flat tire
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.