crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Saturday
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
DOOO EEEET
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
#oldknees
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*