Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”