On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
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How do you like your Corgi?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone