Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it