“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee