Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!