Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
The best shot in the history of golf
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.