Stephen King ruined corn children for me
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
They’re not wrong
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.