My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
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[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3