Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
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Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Velcrow
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.