And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
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SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.