Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
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Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole