I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
You Might Also Like
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.