[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
They did not think through this water fountain
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I’m a bad influence on myself.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir