BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
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When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them