ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
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me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Oh deer
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]