6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
emergency phone
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
no refunds
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.