Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
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What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I am patiently waiting for your email
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird