[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
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Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.