Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
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Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Going to church you guys need anything
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.