I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
the simulation is moving too fast
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too