[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
You Might Also Like
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“That’s what” – She
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The cashier just checked me out.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?