*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
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bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me