WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL