Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
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The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
☺️
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Should I call tech support or pray or what
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I don’t think my car can fly
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn