Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone