“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.