Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
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If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
cry laughing at this shit
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Me trying to “trust the process”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.