you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”