Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
British websites use biscuits.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo