McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
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