Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.