Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
very niche meme I made
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.