[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
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I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)