GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
🛁
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.