her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
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Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.