Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
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Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.