More like Kate Missington.
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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either