Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture