Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
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°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I enjoy a good short stor
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Ain’t no way